Catholic Girl's Redemption

The Rosary is a form of prayer beads that Catholics, at the Roman Catholics, have been using as a structured form of meditation and devotion.  Reflections on Mary, Jesus and his path on Earth, and the Father in heaven, are all part of the form. However, it is likely the early Christian Monks borrowed this from Eastern practise; monastics in the East were using prayer beads far sooner than in the West.

It is a funny thing, to find myself going to attend church for the first time willingly in about 25 years, for me.  I know my father is not well, and I also know that in time, I will find myself spending time in there.  What it was for me was a homecoming I was not expecting. This druid is well aware that specific beliefs on the path require no doctrine, dogma, or books.  We learn directly from our experiences, the book of nature, life itself.  All the wisdom of every story of human experience is out there, whether it be in various religious texts, the lyrics of a heartfelt songster, or even listening to the comments of a person on the street waiting for a bus. Essentially, the heart of a druid is the listening.

It was interesting.  A few years back, I came up with a ritual for my then patron, Brigid, to honour her at Imbolc....the making of healing water.  Basically, it is an infusion of the powers of water and fire itself, healing transforming the recipient.

What I found at the Easter Vigil service, was the sacred fire was blessed, the Easter candle lit, and the candle placed into the holy water font.  It was essentially the same idea I came up with for Brigid's water. Now, I came away from the mass, two full hours, where all this extra ritual happened, and realized, perhaps my inspiration for it came from my roots, my Catholic girl roots.

I was raised in a devout Catholic family.  We are a founding family for the parish I attended.  Our family donated the land on which the church stands, and we still hold title to it on a permanent lease basis with the church....basically, as long as there is a church there, it belongs to the church.  If the church is gone, the land cedes back to my great grandfather's estate.  We were very involved in the parish life, with Vatican 2 reforms, we became very involved in mass each week, and I am a baptised, and confirmed Catholic.  I attended the local Catholic school as well, graduating Gold Medal in 1987.  Then I went to university.

My thing was I was called to be a spiritual leader.  Leadership roles in the faith are limited for women.  I could have converted Anglican, and had discussed with my Anglican lay minister grandmother at the time the possibility.  I even thought about one of the religious orders many times.  But my heart was set on becoming a parent, a mother.  And I did that.

My boyfriend at the time I went to school was a Japanese Buddhist...and ironically enough, tried so hard to convince me of his superior ways of thinking. Problem was, I was already questioning a lot of Church teachings, and was already seeking something that fit me better.  But going through my own quest for faith had me bottom out from my addiction in university, requiring another year to finish my degree.  He blamed himself for what happened to me.  It was not his fault.

Years later, still feeling guilty about it, I told him that if I was so committed to it, he could not have shaken me from it.  I had my own doubts. And meeting people with different beliefs confirmed for me that there had to be other ways the Divine reached out to people.  Ironically, now as a Jodo Shinshu Buddhist minister, it seems he was encouraging me to make peace with it.  So, with my father not doing well, and as a new Ovate looking first to resolve and heal myself, marriage completely failed after 17 years, my business collapsed, and now needing a new life plan, I find myself called to go to church.  I knew I had to be at the Easter Vigil service on the Saturday.  But I also found myself going on Good Friday.

The homily of this pastor, a total stranger to me, was the message I needed to hear.  I have been working through my ending marriage, and it has been one of the most painful things I have ever experienced; knowing at a soul level it is killing my spirit, and not healthy at all, yet also hoping maybe someday it will work.  After 17 years, and my parents example of 46 years of marriage, it is hard not to have hope for me. But I also have the wisdom to know that the abuse in my relationship, my own denial, and the illusion I believed in, that my ex husband is incapable of the love I know I need, or even the compassion, it not possible.  It was in hearing the message about transformation, that for the Christians, the cross is about transformation, and using the imagery of the mysteries, and the water of baptism, that transformative healing is possible.  I found myself relating to the wisdom of his words, and at the same time, knowing that this man had no idea that for this one person, a stranger visiting the parish, it was like the message was delivered to me for me.

My friend, the old boyfriend, and I are still visiting.  I picked up rosaries for my parents.  I will get them all blessed, and get some holy water too.  I do not have to reject the wisdom of my upbringing, or resent the past.  It has played a major role in who I am.  My ethics, my beliefs in spirit, my soul.  As a druid, truth and wisdom can be found anywhere.  And I accept there is no conflict.  I may not believe everything the Church teaches, but the examples of people living in faith, participating in a spiritual life filled with rituals attempting to approximate the mysteries from the lens of Christian teaching....I can relate.  The girl I was needed to hear that message.  That no matter what, Christ's sacrifice was about the idea that anyone of us can be transformed....if only because he did it, so can I by example.  And that sometimes, life's suffering moments are event specific, but other times, our sufferings can seem to be ongoing things.  And only through faith, or if you will, choosing to see things differently, can the burdens of bearing those sufferings become bearable, and change and be transformed in the strength of what belief can bring. The capacity of spiritual strength and healing in the human heart is beyond what we can conceive at times.  We are stronger, and adversity can and does build character by forcing us spiritually and emotionally to grow to meet our challenges, either with rigid coping strategies that keep us stuck in suffering, or in finding a freedom in release, like Jesus did when he chose to die, and not fight.

The story of the Bible clearly shows that Jesus was not guilty of a crime, and that Pontius Pilate knew it.  He knew that he was being used politically by the Jewish authorities of that time, and was being asked to crucify an innocent man, for political reasons.  While he allowed the crucifixion, he refused to change the notice of charge placed on the top of the cross.  Jesus was king of the Jews, both from familial line back to King David, and from a mystical understanding.  The Pharisees wanted it changed to "he claimed he was king of the Jews", but it was not changed, as Pontius Pilate refused to cooperate with that.  In some ways, he stood back against the Jews, and while he allowed the crucifixion, he would not collude further.  In some ways, politics makes us all guilty of having our hands dirty; the thing about this for me, is that when he could do something honest and true, he allowed the truth of the charge to prevail.  And sometimes, we suffer just as unfairly in life, as people overpower us with their political agendas.  But even in suffering, we are granted some grace, even if it is only recognition by another of the unfairness of our suffering at the time is.

My marriage falling apart like that is a form of suffering.  And it is a loss.  But the suffering I have is not only born by myself, but also my three children.  And by example, I have the capacity, strength and grace to carry on.  And interestingly enough, make the next step on this journey, even if I don't completely understand why I am to go there next.

Peace and Blessings to you all.