The Magic of Change

Cerridwen's Cauldron? Maybe.  The story of her brew and the process of change can provide a way to see transition and change in life and living. YMMV.

I have spent a good couple years dealing with the changes from my marriage.  The idea that relationships should last a lifetime, is a bit of a dream.  For some, they figure out a way to make it work.  For others, they suffer through a disappointing horror.  However, somewhere in all of this, I have come to understand that relationships provide us with both the experience of being with another and learning about ourselves.

There were many things I learned about me, looking back.  I think it's more about what I was.

When I started my business, I did not expect that running it would force me to grow, to reach out and beyond myself.  When you are a self-employed person, there is no one forcing you to do things.  You are the boss and the employee.  What I learned was that the strengths I lacked, held my business back.  I learned a lot by facing and overcame my fears; how to get out there.  I became stronger as a person, less afraid of life, and more willing to take risks and be more open about who I am and what I can do.

In a way, my business was the vehicle at the time that gave me the strength, courage, and growth to build me up.  It built my confidence up enough that when I gave it my all and decided to stop fighting with my husband and focus my efforts on it, that was when he thought I betrayed him.  Of course, he could not come out and call it that....but what it was is that I decided not to make him the centre of my universe.  Moreover, while he felt a sense of betrayal, what he did afterwards, ended it.

I realise now that I needed to have that period of building me.  Of growing.  I learned that I can do far more with my talent and creativity; that I was being held down, held back, because my husband was so jealous and competitive, he needed to be better than me, even if that meant sabotaging me.  Sad, I was his wife, partner, and he could not go beyond his behaviours and past wounds to connect with me intimately.  His issues became a toxic nightmare to live with, and my home was a constant circus of him projecting his issues onto me or my children. The feelings I had about being unhappy, lonely....my needs were not being met in this relationship, and frankly, were never going to be met in this relationship.  I was running out of time, getting older, and wanted my life to have happiness.  I had a moment of courage, and someone showed me a glimpse of what could be.  I decided that was enough for me to feel alive again that I was done.  I decided to make a move, to see if my husband would desire me enough to move towards me.  He was not.  And I have learned.....that people cannot be forced, or be nagged, into giving me what I needed.  He decided that he could not make the change with me, or do what I needed to feed the relationship so I could grow as a person.  It threatened him too much.  I needed to grow.

Many things went wrong in my marriage.  Family life was at times good, but other times, was a nightmare.  We were together, and when we had the time to devote to our relationship, we found a way.  However, that went on the back burner.  Moreover, eventually, so did our own attempts to grow and overcome our issues.  We got very unhealthy, from too much chaos, too much. My husband was not ready or healthy enough.  He never embraced or accepted the responsibility and sacrifice of time and energy a family would bring.  Moreover, he resented it, so much so.....

Fast forward to now.  I shut down my business when I realised that I created a dependent child; that could not operate without me.  I still have a lot to learn about business, and retailing is much work.  My hats off to people who do it.  I do not have the love of it to do that.  However, run a business, as I see it as the best vehicle to harness my creativity.

Moreover, what I thrived and loved was working with people. I still do. I am going to work on building a career here.

So I went back to school, and I am taking psychology.  I am finding it to be the very thing I need.  My passion is fired up.

I envision a counselling/workshop/consulting practice someday. It is still in the cauldron, brewing.

In the meantime, I am sorting out family issues.  Change is hard.  For the first time in my life, I am getting much support and help with my family, and I sincerely hope that cauldron brews the peace, love and joy I have always wanted.

Me?  I am not the same.  Oh, not everything is sorted out. I still have conflict in my life. However, I am a different person.

I love the woman I am becoming.  I feel, different.  I have had much interesting life experiences.  Moreover, I have stories to tell.  Moreover, what I wonder, is where will I go from here?

The magic of change is a combination of chaos, allowing, and shaping.  More will be revealed. Even that happiness that I did not have in my marriage, well, I have more wisdom about that, but I am not seeking happiness from another person.  I believe that we need to have people that keep us interested, on our toes, and we get along with and feel ok. I met someone who seems to be a possibility. I feel it a good thing.